Dads, You Are the Primary Spiritual Influence in Your Children
By Michael Kelley
Fathers are the primary spiritual influence on their children. That’s one of the things we learn about parenting from the book of Proverbs.
That is a big statement, and it bears a bit of explanation. First of all, to say that fathers are the primary spiritual influence on their children is not meant to lessen the spiritual influence a mother has on her children. Look at Proverbs 1, which sets the pattern for all the proverbs to follow:
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction, and don’t reject your mother’s teaching, for they will be a garland of favor on your head and pendants around your neck (Proverbs 1:8-9).
You see both moms and dads there, both passing on instruction and teaching, and both blessing their children with it. So, saying that fathers are the primary spiritual influence on their children is not meant to diminish a mom's influence. It is, however, meant to reflect something about God’s design for the family. And in that design for the family, the husband and father is meant to take initiative and lead.
In God’s design, husbands and wives - dads and moms - are equal in value, and yet have different, harmonious roles in the home, and also in the church.
In the home, husbands are called to practice loving, sacrificial leadership, while wives are called to respect and submit to that leadership. In that leadership role, the husband is meant to lead, protect, and care for his family. This is why, in Ephesians 5, the husband’s role in marriage is likened to that of Christ, and the wife’s role in marriage is likened to that of the church.
We see that primary influence all over the book of Proverbs as well. The entire book is structured as an intimate, intergenerational dialogue that uses the framework of a father instructing his son to transmit wisdom. Chapters 1-9 specifically are structured as ten extended lectures from a father to his son. Each lecture begins with either “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction,” or “Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction.” So even the structure of the book itself communicates the importance the father is meant to play in the lives of his children. To say, then, that fathers are the primary spiritual influence on their children is not a matter of lessening the wife’s role but instead helping fathers see what God intends for them.
Secondly, the wording of that sentence is meant to communicate the non-negotiable nature of the influence.
It’s not that fathers might be, or can be, or should be the primary spiritual influence in the lives of their children; it’s that they are, whether they know it or like it or embrace it or not.
I remember as a teenager hearing Charles Barkley was being questioned in an interview about whether he regretted his language, or his gambling, or his fighting on the court in light of the fact that kids might be watching, and Chuck responded that he wasn’t a role model. He was an athlete. And then Nike used that as a marketing campaign.
Barkley was right in one sense - he didn’t sign up to be a role model. He signed up to play basketball. But here is where he was mistaken: Just because he didn’t choose to be a role model doesn’t mean that he wasn’t a role model. In fact, there are all sorts of things you might not have chosen to be, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are.
You might not have chosen to be an American citizen. You still have to pay taxes.
You might not have chosen to be a passenger on a turbulent flight. You still have to listen to the flight attendants and follow safety protocols.
You might not have chosen who your biological parents are. You still carry their genetic code and family history wherever you go.
Dads, you might not realize or be interested or even think it’s fair that such a weight of responsibility falls on you as the primary spiritual influence in the lives of your children. Sorry – you are, whether you like it or even know it or not. In these matters, there’s really not a choice. The issue isn’t so much a choice as it is a question of identity. In the case of dads, it’s not a question of whether you want to be that influence. You are. The real question is what kind of influence you are going to be.
Here, then, is the sobering reality - you are influencing your children spiritually whether you want to or not. You will either influence them toward God the Father, or they will have to overcome your influence to come to God the Father. The Book of Proverbs wants you, as a dad, to not run from that responsibility, and instead to not only embrace it, but love it.
Michael Kelley is a husband, father of three, author, and speaker from Nashville, TN. His latest book is a year-long family devotional guide called The Whole Story for the Whole Family. Find his personal blog at michaelkelley.co.