Dealing with Conflict: Boxing Gloves or Broom? | Daniel Im
Conflict is inevitable—in marriage, with your children, at work, and pretty much in all arenas of life.
How do you deal with it when it comes? Do you pick up your boxing gloves or a broom?
On the one hand, if you deal with conflict by picking up your boxing gloves, then you likely face it head on, talk it out, and push through to a resolution—no matter how inconvenient it might be, or how awkward it is to those around you.
On the other hand, if you deal with conflict by picking up your broom, then you might walk out, ignore it, pretend it never happened, change the subject, or tell yourself that it’s not that big of a deal and to stop acting like a baby.
SO HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH CONFLICT WHEN IT COMES? AND HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY YOU DEAL IT WITH THE WAY YOU DO?
As I share in my book, No Silver Bullets, we often teach the way we’ve been taught, disciple the way we’ve been discipled, lead the way we’ve been led, and parent the way we’ve been parented—unless we consciously do so otherwise.
But since we’re talking about conflict, let me add one more phrase: We deal with conflict the way we’ve seen it modeled—or we run the opposite way.
I’m not going to get into all the details, but can you imagine what it would be like to grow up in a house with three older sisters—who were all high school teenagers at the same time?
It’s pretty simple. You just stay out of the way. And if conflict ever heads your way, you pick up your broom and brush it away.
Years and years of seeing everyone around you pick up their boxing gloves to deal with conflict can either make you love boxing or hate it. For me, it was the latter.
How about you?
Do you carry your boxing gloves around with you? Or has your broom become your walking stick?
In Ephesians 4:26-27, it says,
Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity.
In order to understand what this passage is saying, we need to first examine what it’s not saying:
It’s not saying to rush into conflict
It’s not saying that conflict is a sin
And it’s not saying that you can’t get angry
Rather, it’s saying that avoiding conflict is what gives the devil an opportunity to divide and conquer.
Sweeping conflict away doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it only magnifies the problem because now you’re giving the devil an opportunity to plant lies, deceit, and division into both of your minds and hearts.
However, as we see in verse 29, boxing isn’t the solution either.
No foul language should come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.
So what’s the solution? What’s the best way to deal with conflict?
Well, before you can effectively deal with present and future conflict, you need to first deal with any past unresolved conflict.
In other words, you need to examine your past and determine why your default is to either pick up your boxing gloves or broom. Is there unresolved conflict that you need to lay down before God and also resolve with others? If so, start there, otherwise you’ll just end up repeating the past over and over again.
While you’re dealing with the past—because past hurts and conflict don’t often get resolved overnight—consider what it says in James 1:19 the next time you encounter conflict,
My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.
WHAT IF, THE NEXT TIME YOU FOUND YOURSELF READY TO PICK UP YOUR BOXING GLOVES OR A BROOM, YOU SLOWED DOWN AND ASKED YOURSELF CLARIFYING QUESTIONS INSTEAD?
What if, you just misheard what they said, or how they said it? What would it look like if you were quick to listen, rather than quick to respond?
Instead of blaming the other person 100 percent for the conflict at hand, what if you recognized the part that you played in the conflict? What do you think would happen if you laid down your boxing gloves and broom, apologized for your part, and had a posture where you listened instead of accused?
Conflict isn’t bad. In fact, if you never have conflict that’s another issue altogether. It’s just how you handle it that matters.
So let’s stop giving the devil an opportunity to do what he does best—steal, kill, and destroy—by avoiding conflict.
Instead, let’s face conflict head on with humility.
Daniel Im is the Senior Associate Pastor at Beulah Alliance Church, a multiplying multisite church focused on reaching 1% of Edmonton for Christ. He is the author of You Are What You Do: And Six Other Lies about Work, Life, and Love, No Silver Bullets: Five Small Shifts that will Transform Your Ministry, and Planting Missional Churches: Your Guide to Starting Churches that Multiply (2nd Ed).
Daniel has been married to his wife, Christina, since 2006 and they have three children.