Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For | Derwin Gray
Dreams do come true. On April 25, 1993, the Indianapolis Colts drafted me as the 92nd selection in the NFL Draft. It was surreal. I did it. I was living the American Dream. The good life and happiness will be mine, I thought. But just like chasing shadows as a little boy, I really wouldn’t be able to truly catch lasting happiness.
My first year in the NFL was miserable. I didn’t have many friends on the team. I was barely playing. Some of my teammates didn’t like me because my wife was white. My wife and I were both lonely. We wanted to go back to BYU where I was a beloved star.
My second year was better and, by my third year, I was the Special Teams Captain. I was now a valuable member of the team, and people in the city knew me for my community service. But my marriage wasn’t good, and the happiness that I wanted continued to elude me.
I was famous, I had the girl, I had the money, yet it made my life worse because I was supposed to be happy, and I wasn’t. If this was the good life, it was an epic letdown.
Don’t get me wrong, there were happy moments; but like you, I was looking for a happiness that was more than just feeling good from time to time. Like you, I wanted a happiness deeper, better, and more real than that. Like the U2 song, I still hadn’t found what I was looking for.
My Story, Your Story, Our Story
My story of seeking happiness in jobs, relationships, fame, and money is not much different than most people in our culture. In 2008, four thousand books were written on the topic of happiness, up from just fifty in 2000. “According to some measures, as a nation we’ve grown sadder and more anxious during the same years that the happiness movement has flourished,”wrote Carlin Flora of Psychology Today. To highlight the unhappiness in our culture, Yale University now offers a class on the subject that has become the most popular class in the prestigious school’s history. Almost 25 percent of Yale’s undergrads take the course, “Psyc 157, Psychology and the Good Life.” Dr. Laurie Santos, who teaches it, writes, “Students want to change, to be happier themselves, and to change the culture here on campus.” A Yale undergrad who took the course said, “In reality, a lot of us are anxious, stressed, unhappy, numb.” Even Bristol University in England is offering a twelve-week course in “How to Achieve Happiness.” The course explores topics from “psychology, neuroscience, and will explore ways to achieve true happiness, how to live fulfilling lives.”
As a pastor, I see a lot of unhappy people. With more than fifteen years of counseling experience, I have learned that both those who follow Jesus and those who do not are longing and desperately searching for happiness. In their search, many are learning all the places where it can’t be found: a career, a marriage, in sexual escapades, in having children, in partying, or anything else. C. S. Lewis, a former atheist who became one of the most beloved Christians of the twentieth century, was on to something when he wrote:
If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explana- tion is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing.
What if the happiness we are hustling after can never be caught?
What if the happiness we are running ourselves into physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion for is inferior to the happiness we’ve been made to experience?
What if created things were never meant to make us happy in the way we desire to experience happiness?
I believe the ancient Jewish people knew the secret to happiness. Marinate on the words to these two songs they would sing to God and to each other as a reminder of where happiness is found:
Happy are the people who know the joyful shout; Lord, they walk in the light from your face. They rejoice in your name all day long, and they are exalted by your righteousness. (Ps. 89:15–16)
You reveal the path of life to me; in your presence is abundant joy; at your right hand are eternal pleasures. (Ps. 16:11)
What if happiness is found by gazing into the face of God in Jesus Christ, and walking in his path of light, life, and righteousness?
*** This is an expert from Derwin Gray’s newest book: The Good Life: What Jesus Teaches About Finding True Happiness (2020).
Derwin Gray met his wife, Vicki, at Brigham Young University. He played for the BYU Cougars football team. They have been married since 1992 and have two children. After graduating from Brigham Young University, Derwin played professional football in the NFL for 6 years.
During that time, he and Vicki began their journey with Christ and experienced God’s faithfulness and direction as He moved their hearts to know Him and make Him known. Following God’s call on their lives and their desire to shepherd people towards transforming their world through the mission of Christ, the Lord transitioned Derwin from his primary role of itinerant speaker to serving as the Lead Pastor of Transformation Church in January of 2010. Coupling his dynamic speaking style with a shepherd’s heart, his intense passion for seeing lives and culture transformed is both contagious and inspiring.
In addition to his role at Transformation Church, Derwin teaches at conferences nationwide. He is the author of Hero: Unleashing God’s Power in a Man’s Heart (2010), Limitless Life: You Are More Than Your Past When God Holds Your Future (2013), Crazy Grace for Crazy Times Bible Study (2015), The High-Definition Leader (2015), and The Good Life: What Jesus Teaches About Finding True Happiness (2020).